I Remember...

  This is a hard post for me to write but the Lord needed me to let people know that I remember what it was like, before I was transformed into the person that I am now. I remember how it felt, what it sounded like, what it looked like, not being able to control my emotions, the noise, the confusion, the frustration, the self-pity, the searching, the longing, the pain, so much pain. I wanted to forget it all because I have healed & moved on; I am not that person anymore. I do not really want to remember. It seems like a different time, a lifetime ago, & really like the life of someone else. And its only been a few short years since I truly 'started' surrendering my life to Christ. I now understand what it means, that it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

     I remember how angry & full of rage I was all the time. I was constantly looking for something to be angry about. I was depressed & suicidal. I drank to attempt to numb myself & "check out" from the worldly things; I smoked marijuana to feel nothing at all. I remember wanting everyone around me to change or at least stop pissing me off so that I could just be happy. I blamed everything I felt on everyone else; it was my dads fault because he was so cruel to me when I was growing up, or I blamed my mom for not doing this or doing that; I blamed my husband or my kids, the people around me, strangers, friends, family, it was all someone else's fault, I took no responsibility for my own emotions or actions. I was miserable & wanted everyone else around me to be miserable too. I was so full of envy & jealousy, especially for people who had joy & were not miserable. I was masking my severe insecurity with worldly, fake confidence, pretending like I didn't care what people thought, but I did care. I was cruel, judgmental, arrogant, haughty, even self-righteous all while calling myself a Christian. By the world's standards, I was a Christian, sadly. But Jesus didn't know me, & I certainly didn't know Him.

     My perspective was dark, my temper was short; I had so much brokenness inside of me. I was upset all the time. I was like a grenade ready to go off at any moment, I had to be handled with extreme caution because people never knew what they were going to get. Everyone had to walk on eggshells around me. I was controlling & ruled with fear - which is witchcraft. I was operating in witchcraft & didn't even know it. I hated myself & felt completely worthless & ashamed all the time. I felt like everyone, especially my sweet husband & kids, would be better off without me. I had horrible visions about my own death at my own hand. I believed I felt that I deserved the most horrific death possible.

     I do not really know how I got that way, it didn't happen all at once, over time I suppose. It took years of living in sin, living to satisfy the pleasures of the flesh that hardened my heart. I could not see past my own pain, my own misery, my own fleshly desires. I could never get enough of the worldly things to satisfy me. I went to church hoping for answers, seeking help, but no one could or would help me. The bar & the drink were far more comforting than the church. Perhaps no one in the church understood or had ever experienced the things I had. Maybe they just wore 'masks' & pretended they had it all to together in order to be accepted. It seems like we have to look or behave a certain way to attend church. Many of the normal things we face & deal with in our real lives & in our hearts are never addressed inside the church. Church failed me for years & years. I knew there was something wrong with me, I thought church was the answer, because that is what we are taught, "Just go to church." I actually dared to ask the pastor of the church I was attending years ago a question, & his answer was this, "Just go to church." But, there is so much more to it than just "go to church"! We need to know Jesus, meet Jesus, seek Jesus, worship Jesus! Its all about Him, not about church! Many people go to church because of how it makes them feel; many people leave the church because of how it makes them feel. We put way too much emphasis on how we feel about everything. Many people go to church seeking answers, seeking help, but they only find more of the same - exclusion & rejection. In Scripture, it seemed like every time Jesus went into the Synagogue, He was rebuking the leaders, not praising them. The 21st century church is not always the answer; though there are still churches where Jesus & the Holy Spirit are allowed to operate. Too many churches are about great preaching & great music, but little about meeting Jesus.

     Jesus did eventually meet me where I was in that church. I think He came for me that day! He was right in front of me! I was crying & I confessed to Him that I was afraid that He would hurt me like my parents did. I was completely vulnerable in that moment, completely sincere. It was after months of searching for Him, trying to get to Him, & He showed up that day. He wanted me to acknowledge & confess & give Him that which has hurt me; He always wanted to remove it from me, but I had to be willing to give it up to Him. He won't take what we are unwilling to give up. When I confessed this to Him, He said, "There it is." He knew that was holding me back from surrendering what I needed to surrender to Him in that moment in time. Of course I have had to confess & give Him many, many hurts & things since then; I have had to surrender many other parts of me too & there are likely still more moments like this I will experience, as I am still a work in progress. That was in 2020, before I ever had my deliverance (which is another post entirely).

     I did not realize all of these things at the time, I just knew there was something wrong; I didn't want to be like that but I did not know how else to be. Towards the end of my old life, Jesus started to reveal some of these things to me. They were full of confusion & contradiction; God is neither the Author of confusion, nor does He contradict Himself. I did not change into who I am now over night, it has taken years of seeking Him everyday, years of choosing to be obedient to Him & His Word. I make the choice everyday to live for Him because I know what it was like to live without Him. I do not even want to remember that old life much less re-live it. Living for Christ is not simply going to church, going through motions, living with a set of rules, it's about a relationship with the One who loves us most, the One who died so that we could live, truly live an abundant life with Him. We have an idea of what life with Christ should be like so we reject it before we ever actually meet Him. Life with Christ is fun! I truly have LIFE in a way I never had before. Once we decide to live for Him & are born again, we are ALIVE in Him! And just because I am not who I used to be does not mean that I "have arrived". I still need Jesus to meet me where I am. I am not good, not better than anyone; not who I was, just different.

     I remember what it was like, I remember who I was & how I felt. I remember my dark, negative, biased, worldly perspective about everything. Now I see through a different lens; now I see through the lens of Truth! I hate that so many people still feel all those horrible things I used to feel. I hate that people are seeking answers for their questions but are met with more rejection. I hate that people do not know who they are, who Christ says they are. I hate that so many people still believe the lies that have been spoken over & about them. I hate that people are not finding Jesus Christ. I want you to know Jesus so that He can set you free, so that you can be changed by His love. So many people have so many questions regarding their real lives, their real circumstances, but few real answers. You can ask me anything, my email is genuinejodie@gmail.com. But, I do not want to be your Savior, I want to introduce you to Him! You need Him, not me. He wants to know you too!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvTivhqUrK0